Understanding Hurtful Words

Have you ever overheard someone saying something unkind about you? That moment of realization—when you catch a glance or a remark that was meant for someone else, yet it pertains to you—can be truly painful.

It’s a difficult experience. Although we all might engage in such behavior occasionally, it can be disheartening to discover that those you consider allies may not be as supportive as you thought.

As noted in Psalm 15:3, “He does not slander with his tongue, nor does evil to his neighbor, nor brings shame upon his friend.” Ultimately, regardless of whether you're the one causing the harm or the one hurt, there's a shared sense of discomfort for everyone involved.

Below are some strategies to help you navigate these uncomfortable situations, whether you're the one who has spoken carelessly or the one who has been affected.

For the One Who Hurts Others — Own Your Mistake. If you find yourself responsible for causing pain through thoughtless comments, it’s essential to take accountability and rectify the situation, if possible. Honesty is key. Recognize that your words have impacted someone else. Avoid downplaying the situation with humor or denial. It’s painful to discover that others have been discussing you behind your back. Accept this reality.

Apologize sincerely. Acknowledge the hurt you’ve caused, but don’t dwell excessively on guilt. Instead, reassure the affected person that you care about them (if this is true), allowing both of you to move forward. Your apology should be immediate and genuine—like swiftly removing a band-aid. Offer to discuss further if they wish, then let it rest.

For the One Who Has Been Hurt — Allow Yourself to Feel Pain. It’s essential to be honest about your feelings when you overhear a supposed friend speaking poorly about you. Depending on the context, such instances can significantly impact your life. Even if you receive an apology, it may not carry much weight. Recognize your feelings. It’s okay to hurt; allow the emotions to flow naturally. Tears can be a healthy release.

When Apologies Are Offered — Accept Them. Believe your friends when they say their comments were unintentional. Most likely, they didn't mean to cause harm. Reflect on your own experiences of unintentionally hurting others. Accept their apology, even if it feels awkward, forgive, and move on. Use this painful experience as a lesson to help prevent future snarky remarks.

If No Apology Is Forthcoming — Understand Their Nature. If someone refuses to apologize, it reflects more on them than on you. While this may not be comforting for someone who has just been wronged, it holds truth. Turn to your emotional healing toolkit immediately, avoiding unhealthy coping mechanisms like drugs or alcohol. True healing starts from within. If you want better company, strive to be a better person yourself. For me, prayer, long walks, and Anna Runkle’s Daily Practice are my go-to remedies.

Often, a careless remark—whether spoken, typed, or written—is just that: a minor slip of the tongue that doesn’t reflect true feelings. While they can sting and lead to embarrassment, life usually moves on as if nothing happened.

This is often the appropriate response. Such minor grievances can provide a chance for overdue discussions or serve as reminders to be less gossipy ourselves.

However, more significant wounds that can’t be ignored may lead you to reevaluate your relationships. Perhaps it’s time to seek new friendships or distance yourself from overly familiar family members. Take a moment to reflect on what lessons this painful experience offers about humility, strength, and love.

Forgive Everyone Involved — None of us are perfect. It’s unlikely that anyone intended to inflict pain, but it happens. This is not to excuse hurt feelings, but rather to encourage you to address wounds as best as you can, work on forgiveness, and let go of resentment.

The real gift is learning to refrain from speaking ill of others behind their backs. It’s liberating to leave such immature behavior behind, even if you stand alone in your choice.

Let your integrity shine through your silence.

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