Chapter 1: The Calm of Solitude

The sound of crows can be heard outside my window, and I have a fondness for them. A few of these birds have become my companions during my walks along the seafront, patiently awaiting the peanuts I offer them. Our bond has developed over many years.

As I sip my coffee, I reflect on my third day of being smoke-free. It's a challenging endeavor. The mind conjures up various justifications to return to smoking, but my resolve to quit remains steadfast.

Today, I'm not feeling my best, but strangely enough, it doesn’t bother me. Although I dislike the discomfort of sickness, I’m surprisingly calm about it. When I feel unwell, I often meditate while lying down.

In Buddhist texts, there are numerous accounts of Mara, the tempter, attempting to disturb a monk's meditation by provoking anger or instilling doubt. Each time, the monk responds with, "I see you, Mara," and Mara retreats.

This narrative serves as a powerful metaphor for the five hindrances: greed, aversion, laziness, restlessness, and doubt. When a meditator recognizes these hindrances, they can release them and refocus on their meditation practice. It is the ignorance of these distractions that grants them power over us.

For me, the most challenging hindrance is laziness. My energy often feels depleted, primarily due to ongoing health issues that leave me fatigued rather than mentally worn out.

I notice my mind's tendency to criticize itself for not being flawless. My response is now one of compassion. I choose to embrace myself, imperfections included. When a misguided thought arises, I acknowledge the judgment that follows it, smile, label it as delusion, and let it go. I no longer chastise myself for experiencing these delusions; they are part of being human. Instead, I take comfort in my growing awareness of my internal narratives and the relief I experience when I release them, returning to my breath and physical sensations.

Understanding that I am not defined by my thoughts is incredibly empowering. This realization makes it easier to dismiss unhelpful thoughts. I strive to cultivate thoughts centered on renunciation, goodwill, and peace, as they bring me joy.

Currently, I am practicing in solitude. While I have a friend with whom I meditate via Zoom twice a week, I’m not participating in any group Buddhist activities at the moment.

I find this solitude to be beneficial. My Dhamma practice appears to be flourishing, and my relationship with myself is improving.

In the company of others, I sometimes regress. There can be social pressure to conform, and I don’t always resonate with the shared beliefs. Additionally, I am highly sensitive to the energies of those around me, even through a screen, which can lead to feelings of agitation.

Being alone alleviates that social pressure. Practicing in solitude allows me the freedom to explore and experiment without the need to please anyone else or conform to their practices.

In solitude, I avoid unskillful speech, which can be a challenge when socializing. Excessive conversation often exhausts me and impedes my meditation.

I find that solitude aids in upholding my precepts, and when my virtue is strong, it becomes easier to settle into profound states of stillness.

At times, past regrets surface, prompting feelings of remorse. However, I remind myself to be gentle and stop dwelling on my past mistakes. It’s a part of my conditioning, and navigating life as a human can be challenging. I am doing my best, and while I may not be perfect, that’s acceptable. We all make mistakes, and the important thing is that I learn from them and commit to being better. Holding onto past errors won’t improve anything, so I grant myself permission to release them.

I’m unsure how long this solitary practice will continue, but it feels beneficial, and I plan to maintain it indefinitely. I anticipate returning to social interactions and Buddhist gatherings in the future, but for now, this solitude seems necessary for my growth in the Dhamma.

While I appreciate connections and relationships, I believe it’s crucial at this time to cultivate a healthy relationship with myself and deepen my meditation practice. When the time comes to reintegrate into social settings, I hope to find those interactions less daunting and more fulfilling.

Chapter 2: Insights from Tara Talks

In this insightful video, Tara discusses overcoming the obstacles we face in our meditation and spiritual journeys. The title "I See You, Mara" resonates deeply with the themes of recognizing and overcoming our inner challenges.

The second video, titled "158 I See You Mara," further delves into the concept of acknowledging our difficulties and embracing the journey toward self-awareness and mindfulness.