A Mother's Resilience: Navigating Cancer and Family Life
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Chapter 1: The Weight of a Birthday
The emotional toll of my daughter's health challenges often hits hardest on significant occasions. I vividly remember sitting down for my husband's birthday dinner, where I mindlessly shoved noodles into my mouth, a stark contrast to my usual dining habits. Typically, I would engage in lively conversation, often losing track of my meal or letting it grow cold. Yet, on this night, I consumed nearly everything in front of me, leaving only a few pieces of chicken behind.
We usually avoid scheduling events right after hospital visits, but this day was my husband's birthday, and we had limited time to celebrate before heading off for a trip. I believed I could manage everything. However, we were nearing the end of a two-year immunotherapy regimen for my daughter, and the weight of our situation was heavy.
As we wrapped up a family reunion and prepared for a vacation, I was also navigating my own health appointments while searching for new job opportunities. Cancer remained our family's most significant challenge; it had been three years since my daughter's diagnosis, and we were only three months away from completing her treatment.
Throughout this journey, my daughter has shown remarkable strength, even beginning her first month of college while experiencing severe side effects from one of her treatments. After two months, we discontinued one medication, continuing only with the second, which required long drives to the local children's hospital for her infusions.
Today's appointment was straightforward: an oncology visit followed by blood tests and her infusion. Arriving mid-afternoon, I was hopeful for a good parking spot, and to my delight, we found one right away. We confidently made our way to the check-in table to collect our name badges, granting us access to the Radiology floor.
Upon reaching that floor, we discovered the waiting room empty. The nurse who took my daughter's vitals was cheerful and kind, and we were soon taken to a sunny room with a beautiful view of the city. Looking out the window, I noticed a hawk gliding gracefully above.
Staff members quickly came in to initiate the process, and as my daughter's oncologist remarked with a smile, it felt like "social hour." My daughter's positivity was infectious, and she had formed connections with several staff members, who would stop by even when they weren't assigned to her.
However, once the staff left, silence enveloped us. I tried to read her cues—did she want to talk? Was she feeling fatigued or hungry? Did she want to read her books? I alternated between joining in on conversations and allowing her to shine on her own.
Yet, I couldn't shake the worry that lingered beneath the silence. Conversations with her oncologist about various symptoms were always stressful. Thankfully, the conclusion was reassuring; the minor twinges were likely nothing serious, and a more thorough evaluation would take place in a month with upcoming MRI and CT scans. All seemed well, and her lab results were promising.
Yet, I realized I was carrying the emotional weight for both her and myself. While I couldn't control the physical aspects, it appeared my subconscious felt the need to shoulder everyone's emotional health. This stress manifested in various physical ways—tightness in my jaw, tension in my neck, and unease in my stomach.
The Journey: Embracing Uncertainty
Our situation remained unchanged; we were still prayerfully hoping for the effectiveness of the treatment. Yet, we remained realistic, aware of the message boards discussing others with similar rare sarcomas. For many, treatment was a lifelong endeavor. The waiting began to feel interminable, as we grappled with the duality of feeling immense gratitude for the kindness of others and the expertise of hospital staff while also feeling exhausted by our ongoing struggles.
I am not alone in this experience. Volunteering with children facing life-threatening illnesses has shown me the universality of suffering. Though different in nature, every story shares an underlying brokenness.
I also know parents whose children have developmental disorders. Unlike us, they don't have hope for an end to their challenges; they understand that the therapies and daily battles are lifelong. Suffering and parenting intertwine in a complex tapestry of bittersweet experiences.
In some ways, our struggles are similar, and in others, they are distinct. We find ourselves in a liminal space—the in-between. We are caught between a past of wellness and a present filled with hospital visits, all while approaching an uncertain future.
I often remind others in similar liminal spaces that we are all navigating challenges, albeit at different levels. It's a shared reality that is uncomfortable yet undeniable. Each person faces their own struggles and the unknown that lies ahead.
In small ways, we seek to establish control. I mistakenly believe that playing calming music in the hospital room can alleviate some of my daughter's emotional pain. While she doesn't voice complaints, I sense her discomfort, as she simply states her fatigue when things become overwhelming.
As her mother, I find myself anxious about her well-being. I have always been a protective firstborn, worrying over every cough or sniffle. My children know my routine for addressing illness: zinc lozenges, wellness tea, steam inhalation, and more. Yet, with my daughter, my concern has always been heightened.
After her diagnosis, we both found a sense of calm amid the chaos. We diligently follow protocols, but perhaps the underlying anxiety still simmers beneath the surface. My daughter’s inquiries about her symptoms reflect her wisdom; we’ve learned the importance of self-advocacy, although it’s not always comfortable to confront potential issues.
It’s equally difficult for me to listen as her doctor seeks my input. I haven't seen my daughter for much of the summer, as she thrives in college. Yet, I remain her mother, trying to support her through her cancer journey while grappling with my own emotional challenges.
The moment her treatment concludes, a wave of relief washes over us. Suddenly, she is engaged, scrolling through her phone, discussing her book, and revealing that she had been holding her breath throughout the appointment. A single issue, like a difficult nurse during her last visit, can trigger our anxieties.
Now, it’s time for a much-needed vacation, even if it includes a job interview. We’ll have a three-week break from treatment.
I pen this as an honest reflection on our experiences. It's challenging to articulate the complexity of our journey. While I’m adept at delving into my emotions, my daughter, at her age, is still learning to navigate her feelings amidst her physical challenges.
Yet, she chooses joy amid suffering, embracing lifelong learning, and fostering connections. I remind her that she doesn't need to perform for our family; she can express her authentic self. However, it’s easier said than done, and we all know that indulging negative feelings for too long can lead to despair.
There’s no moral to this narrative, except to advocate for mothers of seriously ill children, who often remain unseen. Our focus is on our children, making it feel like a breath of fresh air when someone acknowledges us. I’m grateful for the amazing friends and family who support me with their kindness.
Occasionally, I must prioritize my own well-being, akin to putting on my oxygen mask before assisting my child. It’s essential to recognize when I need to step back, to accept that I’m not always in control. I wish I could be, but we’re human, and our bodies and minds require balance.
As we continue this journey, I pray for healing and support for all those facing health struggles.
Lord, save us, and we shall be saved; heal us, and we shall be healed. Touch our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits. Heal us from head to toe, and grant us the peace and strength to face each day.
Chapter 2: Sharing Our Story
In this touching video, two young mothers recount their experiences dealing with breast cancer, highlighting the care they received at MedStar Franklin Square.
This video follows a mother's journey through cancer during her pregnancy, showcasing the emotional and physical challenges faced along the way.