Understanding Apologies

This is the core of a meaningful apology.

Photo by Istvan Hernek on Unsplash

In the past, I would often say, “I’m sorry YOU feel that way; I didn’t mean it. You tend to misunderstand and judge me based on your negative assumptions.” Over time, I've come to recognize just how disingenuous and ineffective these kinds of apologies can be. From vague statements to deflective excuses, it's surprisingly easy to offer an inadequate apology. However, researchers have identified key elements that characterize effective apologies.

Throughout the years, numerous examples of poor apologies have emerged. I acknowledge that my approach to apologies has often been lacking, and it sometimes barely qualifies as an apology. Nonetheless, making mistakes and learning from them is an integral part of our human journey. Poor apologies, ranging from classic non-apologies to evasive justifications, fail to mend or heal relationships.

Reflecting on my experiences, I recall an instance when I borrowed a friend's beloved video game. When I attempted to repair it without his explicit consent, I ended up ruining it. When I returned it, he discovered it was broken, and understandably, he was upset. Instead of owning up to my mistake, I resorted to excuses like, “I was planning to fix it,” “It was already malfunctioning,” and “You know I enjoy fixing things.” Yet, I didn’t resolve either the situation or the game.

Research indicates that a fundamental aspect of a good apology is taking responsibility for one’s actions (Scher & Darley, 1997). My excuses only exacerbated the issue.

A few years back, while collaborating on a group project, I was responsible for a specific section but completely forgot. When my classmates brought it up, I responded, “I’m sorry you feel that way about my contribution.” This type of statement fails to acknowledge my error, which researchers refer to as a non-apology (Meier, 1998). A genuine apology should validate the feelings and perspectives of others.

But what if I believed there were shortcomings on their part as well? For instance, if they disregarded my numerous deadline reminders and then expressed anger, saying, “I’m sorry YOU feel this way, but you didn’t listen to my long list of deadlines,” it would be considered an evasive excuse because it shifts the blame back to them.

Effective apologies also include an offer to rectify the situation (Scher & Darley, 1997). In the case with my classmates, an appropriate offer would have been to commit to staying up late to complete my section of the project. For the video game, I could have offered to purchase a new one or at least attempt to repair it since I damaged it.

Over time, I’ve learned that successful apologies generally include three essential components:

1. They acknowledge full responsibility without excuses.
2. They demonstrate a clear understanding of how others might feel.
3. They include a genuine promise to make amends.

The key lies in prioritizing the needs of others rather than solely focusing on one’s own desire to feel better. It’s not always easy to apologize sincerely; I understand that it can be challenging. Feelings of embarrassment, defensiveness, or downplaying the mistake can arise. However, a heartfelt apology centers on the needs of the other person, not merely on self-satisfaction.

An authentic apology involves viewing the situation from the other person's perspective, recognizing where you went wrong, and actively seeking to make it right. It should not be a statement like, “I’m sorry if you were offended,” but rather an effort to repair any damage caused. This approach demonstrates empathy, accountability, and a sincere desire to rebuild trust.

The next time you find yourself in a position to apologize, take note of what constitutes a poor apology—those non-apologies, evasive excuses, and hollow promises. Instead, strive to put in the effort for a meaningful apology. Your relationships will thrive as a result. While sincere apologies can be challenging, they are essential for reconnecting and restoring harmony.

Apology Techniques to Enhance Your Communication

In this video, "DON'T SAY 'SORRY!' | Better English vocabulary | How to Apologise," you'll learn effective vocabulary and strategies for making your apologies more sincere and impactful.

Author’s Note

Thank you for taking the time to read my reflections on apologies. If this content resonates with you, please consider sharing your thoughts. For inquiries, collaborations, or comments, feel free to contact me at [email protected]. Your support means a lot!

References

Scher, S. J., & Darley, J. M. (1997). How effective are the things people say when apologizing? Effects of the realization of the apology speech act. Journal of Psycholinguistic Research, 26(1), 127–140.

Meier, A. J. (1998). Apologies: What do we know? International Journal of Applied Linguistics, 8(2), 215–231.