Learn Rust Thoroughly

Rust is currently one of the most sought-after programming languages. Even if you're interviewing at a company that humorously converts outdated wig stores into platforms for divorced tradwives, being proficient in Rust is invaluable. It showcases your commitment to staying current in the tech world. Those who waste their free time are often Liberal Arts graduates or engineers who haven’t yet embraced Rust.

Memorize All the Algorithms

In the realm of software development, it's not just about grasping design patterns or writing efficient code; it's more about being an algorithm encyclopedia in a hypothetical universe devoid of Google. At any moment, a candidate should be ready to write a program that calculates the first one hundred Mersenne prime numbers. What if Alan Turing suddenly demands a quick turnaround on an overly encrypted calculator app? Prepare yourself!

Live in the Cloud

Traditional on-premise computing is becoming obsolete. Before long, your entire role will be conducted in the Cloud: from databases to web servers, and even virtual happy hours. You can get a head start by renting a tiny studio in the Metaverse for an exorbitant $9,000 a month, where even poverty has transitioned to the digital realm.

Make Light of Stack Overflow

You work diligently yet know how to have fun. You’re not just a socially awkward coder trapped in a cubicle; you’ve got charm! We’ve all heard the clichéd joke about borrowing code from Stack Overflow, and it still manages to elicit laughs. While sharing your tales of messaging Microsoft Teams complaints to Bill Gates on LinkedIn might be tempting, it’s best to stick to the fundamentals. And if all else fails, just grumble about JavaScript.

Say "NoSQL Database" at Least Ten Times

Nobody enjoys coding in SQL; it's a battle many developers face. Expressing the collective dread of "recursive common table expressions" can resonate with fellow programmers. Offer reassurance that you won't subject them to the tortures of join diagrams.

Master AI or Become AI

Having a prestigious degree in artificial intelligence isn’t enough to navigate the impending AI revolution. Anyone can use ChatGPT to create a bot that answers Amazon customer queries in the style of a character from Goodfellas (1990).

If you weren’t part of the TikTok team that got teenagers hooked on scrolling and nicotine, you may find yourself at a disadvantage in the job market. Consider evolving into a Rust-obsessed cyborg, or risk becoming obsolete as we bow to our new overlord—who isn’t Skynet, by the way.

Praise Scrum Methodologies

While "Scrum master" might sound like a quirky term from an obscure subculture, to many corporate leaders, it represents the gold standard in project management frameworks. A promising candidate should excel amid arbitrary deadlines set by unpredictable CEOs, all while navigating the Agile methodologies. Show that you can adapt to shifting timelines and generously pay homage to the Agile principles.